Beautiful Delusion

I’ve written the opening paragraph to this blog multiple times, but only in my mind and usually while driving or showering so it’s not quite made it to the page. I’m sure those openings were witty and memorable but now that I’m forcing my fingers to tap the keys, it’s almost as if there are no words to be shared. Which I KNOW isn’t true. Because the story that I want to tell is one of the most important stories of my life. 

Spoiler: I heard a whole bunch of NO’s before I finally reached my HELL YES

Pieces of this story have been shared over the course of a few years but it’s only been in the last few months that it’s all come together - after many comings apart. At the center of this story is me - who had a dream planted in my heart six years ago to only be taken on a wild journey of magic, loss and finally understanding. I know I will always remember this time of my life as a time when things actually made sense - and I know that this too is fleeting and not without great sacrifice, energetic trust, and sometimes intense physical labor. 

Clearly, it’s a story that spans at least 6 years so there’s A LOT left out. Per usual, I won’t name names because it’s not their story, it’s mine; and I’m sure they may tell it slightly differently. And a special THANK YOU to my friends who listened to me express my full spectrum of feelings as I navigated the many waves that were 2019-2025.

Our story begins in late 2019 when I was finding myself in major burnout after managing a 2 location studio for the last few years. I had accidentally overreached several months prior when I called my boss and expressed a need to make more money and for it to be a salary as my contributions and reputation were beyond a measly per hour rate. This bold request led me to a coffee shop evening meeting in early February with her husband where he offered me the WILD opportunity to BUY their studio!!!! I was flabbergasted as I was sure he was going to just tell me a flat “NO” we can’t afford to pay you what you are worth. I had never even considered owning my own space and was immediately met with all my stories of inadequacy.

I didn’t even own my home, how could I own a business? 

Would I be supported by the current roster of teachers or would they choose to jump ship?

Could I even do it?!?!

Was “I” enough to accept this great dharma of the Universe?

I remember phoning a friend after the meeting to try and understand what had just been offered to me. I needed to say all the things out loud and see how they landed. I asked for some time to sit with this big decision and spent the next few weeks pondering my whole life. I asked a few questions, phoned a few more friends and family to talk through some financial stuff, and ultimately felt so UNSURE about whether or not this is what I actually wanted.

And then came my very first trip to Costa Rica which truly was life changing - for so many reasons. These 10/ish days included leading a retreat with the studio owner while simultaneously having my heart blown open by the land (and sure, a cute surfer boy with a moped) and getting sun poisoning (after an epic day on a boat and like a hundred dolphins). Landing back in Charlotte, I felt like my whole world had tilted and it wasn’t just because my apartment was in an old building that had a bit of a lean to it. I remember telling others that it felt like “my life train had jumped tracks abruptly” and I was trying to get a grip on the new trajectory. 

Previous to this incident, I would have thought sun poisoning was just a really bad sunburn. Truthfully, it’s probably the sickest I’ve ever been in my life, and I wouldn’t wish those types of feelings on my worst enemy. Not only did I have a rather gnarly sunburn, I also experienced serious digestive issues, night sweats, and feeling like I was on a rollercoaster with my energy and abilities to do even the most basic things. I even got my classes subbed, which was a first for me - I had taught class with a broken foot and a broken heart, in times of uncertainty and in times of trauma, and was taken out with my inability to regulate my most basic systems. After over a week of getting worse and worse,I finally gave up trying to intellectualize or research my way to health and I put my hands on my body and asked “what do you need?” My first “message from my body” told me to get red light therapy, which sounded wrong - why would I need more light, surely I’ve had enough exposure?! A quick google search revealed my body’s message and confirmed the potential benefits to the layers of my skin. I phoned a friend who had this available and he let me use it for free. While on the table, I felt my digestive system come back online and I immediately went across the street and successfully ate a shrimp taco #tacossavelives The next morning, I still felt off and my next “message from my body” simply said “I’m thirsty”. I got myself to one of those fancy infusion places and ordered myself the “extreme hangover” IV drip. As soon as the liquid started flowing, I cried tears of relief. By the end of the session, I felt like I had found myself again.

In the midst of my healing, a storm was ‘abrewin’

For the first time since I started as the manager, I needed help while feeling sick. And there was none. The owner didn’t know how to work the scheduling system and teachers needed things done and they weren’t being done. I couldn’t even get out of bed, much less open my laptop. People who sent me messages of love and support were complaining behind my back and stating how they were so done with me. 

I still hadn’t given an answer to the question of ownership. I wasn’t sure of what I wanted and I felt stuck between two worlds. The cute surfer boy and I were somehow talking about life plans and I also really wanted to make a difference in the Charlotte yoga community. I asked for one more week to figure out what I wanted. I felt like the best course of action was to go through the steps that would be necessary for me to say “yes” and see how it felt. I talked to more friends and family and found myself defending the idea to my mom. One friend broadened my view and encouraged me to go for it with a glittering promise of maybe I could have both?!

I started going to a few banks and seeing what it would take to get a loan. Feeling discouraged, I called my mom again and in a wild turn of events, she offered to fund my dreams and pay the deposit. I immediately texted my friend/studio owner and then called and left a voice mail. And to my surprise, she didn’t respond. Like at all. I went to bed feeling so full of hope and happiness and amazement of how everything was coming together.

I received a phone call the next morning from her husband who said “we don’t think you can run our business” and proceeded to tell me how they had already been in discussion with someone else to sell to instead. He later said they would sell me the studio but only if I paid the full price, the deposit and payment plan was taken off the table. Obviously, I said “no” as I wasn’t even going to consider giving them more money when they didn’t have faith in me to begin with. When I asked why they didn’t discuss things with me before moving on to the next person I was told “well we were hoping you would get turned down by the bank and we wouldn’t have to have any awkward conversations.” To which I answered “you know me, you know I make things happen.”

Let’s fast forward but maybe more of a montage…

Quit my manager position but remained on as a teacher to lead my very first YTT

Went back to Costa Rica to discover that surfer boy is actually married

Got fired from the studio the last week of YTT bc I wasn’t “fully behind the new owner”    

Built a better schedule for myself with better pay rates and was beginning to establish myself in a new space

Got another offer to buy into an established studio with not-so-great financials and an even higher price tag

And then March 2020 hit…

The same friend who encouraged me to expand called me out of the blue not too long after quarantine days were in full swing and she said “you know, I was thinking about how bad all this sucks. And then I started to think about people that this sucked for but it couldn’t have sucked wayyyy worse, and I thought of you.”

While her statement was 1000% true, it would still take me years to truly feel at peace with the whole situation. 

After everything went down, I had some BIG feelings. For the first time in my life, I felt truly angry. Sure, I had felt extreme frustration and LOADS of sadness but this was my first experience with lingering and festering anger. I remember talking to a mental health therapist friend randomly and when I told her about this new emotion, she congratulated me. She also validated me while simultaneously challenging me to see this new house guest as a gift. 

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. ~ Mary Oliver

The covid years were rough as I had tied so much of my identity into the my role as a yoga teacher and when I was unable to be that person, I really struggled to find myself. The gift of these dark years was me finally getting to a place where I asked for help and started weekly therapy sessions in May of 2021. 

Another montage, but this time post-covid reemerging energy:

Slowly rebuilt my retreat business

Had a retreat fall apart due to political unrest that put in a really bad financial position

Visited the Galapagos Islands (always worthy of inclusion because PENGUINS!!)

Slowly built my YTT business

Lost my favorite furry face after 17+ years of faithful companionship and love 

Taught in multiple studios, spaces, and places all around the city

Gained (and lost) meaningful relationships

And yep, was offered another opportunity to begin my own space*

*While I did consider this opportunity, the timing wasn’t right as I was set to travel immediately following the dates when I would take over. And that wasn’t the way I wanted to start things.

Which brings us to 2024…and the year of 42! The answer to life, the universe and everything. And after a rather rocky 2023, I was claiming this next year to truly be everything. And it was. I experienced some of my highest highs, grandest adventures and it ended with my greatest loss. I traveled, I began a new side hustle as a massage therapist, and leaned into friendships in trusting and fulfilling ways.  

Sometime in late September/early October I found myself back in conversation to potentially buy into a friend’s already established studio. It was someone I trusted and whose vision I wanted to support. We were pretty far into this conversation, I even invested some money into social media support. And then my dad suddenly and unexpectedly died. And my whole world tilted. 

I felt buried by my grief, stuck in the muck of being his only daughter and solely responsible for alllll the decisions and accounts and his stuff, and utterly lost about who I was and what I even wanted. My friend needed someone who could act NOW and I was NOT in the place to be that person. I respectfully backed out and spent the next few months sitting with myself and being mindful of my “daddy issues”.

And sure, I took a few trips - and I brought him (his ashes) with me. We have shared sunsets together all around the world and I know he’s always with me.

Jump ahead a bit…May 2025

The beginning of the end, and the beginning of the next big thing…

But first, I’ve been asked more than a few times “How did all this happen?” 

My answer: Because the universe f*cking loves me and put me in positions to know things. 

Timing truly is EVERYthing. 

I once again found myself in a place of discontent and uncertainty. I knew something needed to shift but wasn’t quite sure what. I was feeling extremely frustrated with the management (or rather lack thereof) in my main place of employment. I was both teaching and massaging here but was NOT AT ALL in alignment with the owner, the ways he treated the employees, and recent choices to not hire a yoga manager saying he “would handle the yoga side” which we all knew meant that we would all be responsible for handling all the things. I had gone as far as to email Christopher (yep, mentioned a name, must be important…) who owns Wise Wolf about potentially renting space to keep my massage business in the neighborhood.

Backing up…in February I had reached out to the owner and offered my services as a temporary manager. I cited how we all deserved a manager and that I was already finding myself making decisions and helping things run smoothly so I felt like I should be paid for the things I was doing. I quickly realized that I would have to be in relationship with the owner and that I could barely manage a short conversation with him without feeling icky so I probably didn’t want to entangle myself even further. 

On this fateful mid-May Monday afternoon, I just so happened to have picked up subbing a lunch time class and just so happened to be in the lobby while another teacher was finishing up a rather awkward call with the owner. I felt the nudge to stick around and was privy to some brand new information…

The owner had asked the teacher to be his new manager and was telling her about his big idea and the next steps of the studio. He wanted to downsize the location and have a reduced class schedule and less massage rooms. He was going to try and compete with the more fitness based studios and wanted to remove any “yoga” words and only offer “stretch” and “sculpt”. He wanted this teacher to handselect the teachers to come with them, to which he was told that none of the current teachers fit that model and that was what made us great and unique. And oh…he was going to do this beginning in July as the lease was set to run out at the end of June.

Now let’s back it up to May 2020 when another studio I worked for unexpectedly closed and notified all the employees at the same time they posted on social media. I call this Y1 PTSD and it’s so real. My response/reaction was a big ol EFF NO - they aren’t going to treat us this way, not on my watch. 

So I told all the teachers and massage therapists that I knew how to get in touch with so we wouldn’t be caught off guard. One such text message went something like this:

The very next day, Catherine and I went on a neighborhood walk and started contacting some local companies to test the waters. While on our walk, we joked about the amount of delusion we would need in order to pull this off - escalated by our discovering that 1111 Commonwealth Avenue was potentially available and with an almost perfect set up for the budding dream. We also talked about how Christopher (who Catherine rented space through for her massage business) was potentially interested in expanding his business…

When I met with Christopher that weekend, we talked about me renting space. And we ended the conversation with me saying, “Soooo I hear you may be interested in expanding this business…” We chatted some more and he said something to the effect of “I’m interested if it’s easy.”

The days and weeks went by but excruciatingly slow with no communication from the owner and the rumor mill going out of control. I was stopped in the streets, in the cafes, and after classes by folks who wanted more info than I could give them. A few folks had been taken by the “new” location and shared how small it was, how it was unfinished and impractical for the nature of the business, and how determined the owner was to take these next steps despite resistance. 

Our newly formed trio began to meet and create agreements and further bolster our group delulu that THIS was going to happen. We started the necessary steps of the process and had so much faith that our leap would be caught. 

Also during this time, Christopher was in line for coffee and synchronistically met the building landlord (yep, SAME BUILDING) and conversions were had. We received a letter of intent to lease the building which stated the previous tenant’s lease would be ending in July and he intended to vacate. In this situation, we would have access to the building beginning August 1st with a proposed opening date of September 1st. 

Many people reached out to him to get some info and he either didn’t respond or claimed to be under a “NDA” and couldn’t speak about it. One teacher was even blocked by him. 

Welp…July 1st came and went and we were still holding classes and still no communication from the owner. Rumor mill had gotten back to me that he had found out about “us” taking over the building and decided to rescind his “intent to vacate” which is perfectly legal in the state of NC. 

WIth so much going round and round, I organized a zoom meeting for the teachers and other staff on July 13th. The meeting wasn’t to tell anyone what to do but more for us to all come together. Around 20 people attended and the recording was shared with folks who wanted it. Nothing was decided but many shared they would put in their notices while others wanted to be there for the students and committed to staying on through the transition. 

On July 16th, I sent in my official resignation from classes and massage citing a need “to explore other avenues that are in better alignment with my values”. With an August retreat looming, it felt like the perfect clean break. I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time I left the country as a buffer between jobs/life/circumstance. While I wasn’t super confident in my path, I knew that I would be ok. 

On Friday July 18th, we received an email from the owner acknowledging the rumors and promising his commitment to us, the community, and the building. He shared that he had resigned the lease and would be making major steps to improve the building. He wanted to know who was still with him and even shared his love and appreciation for us all. I think in my 5 years of working there he had only ever addressed us all once and that was to let us know about management changes, which happened so often it was challenging to keep track of at times.

Also…some time between the 16th and 18th there were some rumblings about the owner’s behavior with a massage client. That he had fallen asleep multiple times during the session and the client sent in a complaint to the NC massage board. The studio received a call from the board and during that call, we learned that we didn’t have the proper establishment license to be legally employed, which is a misdemeanor for the owner and could potentially lead to fines for the therapists. On Monday July 21, I contacted my remaining massage clients and cancelled so I wouldn’t be in violation of the standards.

I woke up on Tuesday, July 22nd feeling excited about my classes. I already had a packed 6:30pm class and was looking forward to finishing up my time there with integrity and courage. I hadn’t even announced to my classes I was leaving but today was going to be the day.

Welp…the 930am teacher showed up to CHANGED LOCKS and a crudely handwritten sign citing “staffing challenges” and that the studio would be closed until further notice and that staff could expect to be paid as usual. He included a P.O. box for folks to direct any inquiries or needs - because apparently he can’t respond to emails or texts but letters somehow made sense?!

Having been here before, I felt called into action. No time to lament and wallow, this was time to organize and be together. I took to instagram to share what had happened and my stories were shared, reposted, and quoted by many. I pulled together the teachers and put together a loose schedule and google document of where to find people around town. I gained around 300 followers that week which was cool and also felt like a HUGE responsibility to continue to carry the torch for the now fractured community. Sooooo many local businesses reached out and offered space for us to teach that I had to start a document to keep track of it all. I was interviewed by the Charlotte Observer but kept many of the “facts” close to my heart as much of the drama that happened wasn’t really necessary to tell the story. And I wanted to tell a story of community perseverance not of intentional destruction and sowed chaos. 

Simultaneously, something BIG was being planted. We arrived at a name: Moon Wolf. A name that encompassed all 3 of us and came with a vision from Christopher. We had spoken about potentially doing pop up classes to get our brand going and the Universe had suddenly delivered the perfect opportunity and a whole document of locations who wanted us there. 

ANd oh yeah! I was still going to Costa Rica! The last few weeks of July are big ol blur…of organizing, posting, conversating, and making sh*t happen!! I didn’t even really have a chance to process all the things that had happened until the retreat dust had settled and suddenly BAM! all the things!!  All the feelings!!! All the uncertainty and loss and straight up nonsense that we all had to deal with. 

During the retreat, I was triggered (a whole other blog is being written on this) and with my already shaking foundation it would take me weekssss to settle back down.

Meanwhile, life kept on going. We created a 5 day class schedule with 8 classes around the neighborhood with local businesses. We continued to have conversations that would move us forward, got an official business bank account, created an LLC, and even ordered stickers (officially official now). 

On August 11th, we received the lease AGAIN!!!! And it was on even better terms than when we had first received it back in May. After lots of negotiating, heart conversations, and stress of the unknown we signed the lease OFFICIALLY on October 1st!!!

Things that also happened but don’t necessarily fit the neat lil narrative but still deserve a mention:

Previous owner continued to meddle and tried to get the lease in the hands on someone else that wasn’t us

Amazing friends who helped diffuse his meddling

Major social anxiety for myself and the inability to go anywhere in town without someone (or often several someones) asking me directly about the building and plans - i think the record was 5 people BEFORE noon on one particularly stressful Friday

Support from strangers and friends

Grand delusion that “everything is always working out in my favor”

Our debut announcement has around 19k views! Which for an account that still doesn’t have 1k followers feels significant and mind-blowing. My overwhelm has shifted from “wtf” to “holy sh*t” in the most organic and beautiful ways. I still find myself overcome with gratitude when I sit and think about this process. 

Since then it’s been GO time! We have been in FULL swing to get things energetically aligned and the buildings (yep, we got TWO of them) in a loved condition. 

I liken these buildings to that of Rome…in that over the years there have been many different people in charge of making decisions. And each ruler did what they wanted without too much regard for what came before. Every contractor that has worked with us has stated “i’ve never seen anything like this before” whether it’s electrical wiring, window caulking (or lack there of), or the way the house leans a bit - never a dull moment. 

And it is “our” building..held together by love, dry wall, and delusion. 

Delusion often gets a bad wrap, and sure there are definitely more than a few examples of where this can go horribly wrong.

AND…I truly believe it was our collective delusion that got us all here.

Not just my own constant repetition of “everything is always working out in my favor” in times of absolute confusion.

But bolstered by the delusion of my business partners.

And most importantly sealed in by the delusion of the neighborhood and community.

WE DID THIS!!!

And I’m honored to be one of the stewards of this magical place. One created from an authentic desire to be a beacon of light during these current times. We stood up and said “nope” not in my community. We took our space back. United, we have more power than we could ever imagine.

Tbh…I never wanted to do this whole thing alone. I just had to wait for the right pieces and players to line up. And suddenly BAM! It all makes sense. All the heart aches. All the no’s. All the road blocks. 

My hope is:

that this space helps you remember your own magic.

that this space becomes your trusted “third place”

That this space gives you a place to land in times of uncertainty

That this space continues to grow and evolve

That this space reminds you that you are loved

And sure, we can do some yoga, sit for meditation, and receive massages 

Won’t you come join in on this beautiful, co-created delusion? A space to call our own