4-years Alcohol "Free"

It’s wild to say but it’s been almost FOUR YEARS since I quit drinking alcohol. I wrote all about my decision and my first year of being alcohol free here.  

What started as a curious question has transformed into a lifestyle choice. My original  goals were twofold: detox from the 2020+ uptick in my consumption with an extended break and to completely change my relationship with alcohol before I found myself unable to make these choices. I am always happy to talk about what led me to quit.

My first year-ish was spent with a hard boundary and clear no. The second year, I allowed myself some sips and found that I had lost that “acquired” taste. In year three, I made informed and balanced decisions and in all honestly had 3 (ok maybe 4) drinks this 12-month cycle. Part of me felt super guilty and questioned whether I could even still say “I don’t drink” AND a dear friend reminded me that not drinking doesn’t have to be a practice in perfectionism.

With each one, I checked in with myself to see where my choices were coming from. I want to share those stories but first I would like to share when I didn’t drink: unexpected death of my father, an unnecessarily unkind break up, expected death of my 17 year old soul dog, graduation celebrations (x4), and so many other bumps along the road. This isn’t to say that I wasn’t tempted at the time. 

In fact, there were several wtf instances where I considered what it may be like to have a beverage. I knew I didn't want to go to a bar so instead I allowed myself to walk down the aisle at the grocery store. In this allowance, I felt clear in my ‘NO' as I recognized that nothing would be solved and I would most likely feel worse, instead of better. 

So now what did make sense, briefly:

December 20th, 2023 - Samara, Costa Rica. After a 10-day Thai massage training that was ripe with triggers, loss, and connection, I found myself with a group of new friends at a restaurant/bar on the last night. The owner placed shots in each one of our hands and in that moment it made sense. I ended up feeling a wee bit nauseous from the sweetness of whatever was poured and took myself directly to bed. I remember feeling nervous that I had fallen off the wagon and “ruined” all my progress. To which I quickly realized that I am in total charge of my choices and actions. 

March 9th, 2024 - Charlotte airport. What should have been a “quick flight” to Fort Lauderdale for my birthday turned into a “spring break - woo hoo - stuck in the airport for 5 hours because of storms” nightmare. I made choices NOT to bring my kindle or literally any other tool that would support extra time in the airport - lesson learned. Pacing/walking wasn’t an option because my back was hurting so I was left to sit with my anxiety in the midst of chaos. I signed up for an overpriced massage appointment that kept being pushed back until I finally cancelled. I remembered that hops are legitimately good for anxiety and I made the choice to order a low alc % beer from a local airport bar. The bartender looked like they had been through it, and there were an abundance of cops and signs of too much of a good time. This included a loud announcement of “there is just one of me and many of you. I promise I see you and will get to you as soon as possible” by the employee that was definitely a throwback to my bartending days. I instantly felt better when I sat down, engaged in conversation with weary travelers, and didn’t feel compelled to finish my beer.  I remember feeling grateful that airport beers weren’t my go-to anymore as they were quite expensive!!

July 7th, 2024 - Rome, Italy. A dear friend's wedding and it was just me and the groom chillin’ in this villa while waiting for his beautiful bride to arrive and their first look photos. I had ½ a glass of wine and then danced the night away with club soda and pineapple juice. Being on a bus at 2am filled with drunk wedding guests is a very unique experience. Wouldn’t trade anything from that experience for anything in the world. I remember that moment feeling really special and I was proud of myself for having one and being done. 

September-ish 2024 - somewhere between the islands of Bali and Nusa Penida. The choices were either ride down below the deck and be crammed into the church-like pews with no windows OR use the secret password ‘beer” and gain access to the upper deck aka the party! I took this fast boat route 4 different times. The first time I didn’t know and rode in the bottom and used ALL my tools to not feel the discomfort of the lack of air and personal space while reading texts from another friend who found out the password and was having the time of his life in the open air with good tunes. We wised up and made it to the top deck. I asked for n/a and received a lemon shanty type beverage which upon checking had 2% alcohol. I hesitated, mostly because of guilt and uncertainty of what having this drink could mean. And I waffled because it was SUPER hot and my water bottle was empty. And I watched my friend who frequently introduces themselves in the traditional AA model, “Hi my name is _____, and I’m an alcoholic” drink his lemon shandy while enjoying the opportunity to do the macarena on the back of a boat. We briefly spoke between hip shakes and he reflected back “eh, this isn’t going to knock me off the wagon.” My last 2 trips involved the password, entry fee, and then handing over my bottle to a friend while I tended to my water (and much needed electrolytes). 

I still agonized a bit about how to answer when offered a beverage as my “no thanks, I don’t drink” no longer felt super applicable. I’ve been reminded, by more than a few folks, that the fact that I can name these isolated incidents of drinking is a major win. And that like most things in life, “not drinking” doesn’t have to mean living in a “black and white thinking” world. 

“No” can still be my default AND I’m allowed to adjust.  

I also used this moment to check in with myself and notice the common thread between each drink was travel. And sure, sometimes it was stress but often it was just circumstantial. And while I have most certainly traveled quite a bit since then, I haven’t been met with the same curiosity and desires to drink alcohol. I love me some juice and probably drink my weight in watermelon and passion fruit juice when available. 

AND that 2% bevvy while in Indonesia was my last one and ya know I haven’t even really been tempted in year #4. Maybe it’s linked to my newest love: passion fruit. Can be juiced, sparklin’ or even in smoothie form and OH MY GAWD have you tried with ginger?! But I WANT ALL OF IT when I’m traveling. Honorable mention: watermelon juice

A LOT has gone down in the past year AND it’s been nice to return to my “no” which is actually a “YES” to moving through things and not continuing to spiral and cycle.

It’s been fun to witness the ways in which the world has become more accommodating for non-drinkers and also astonishing to see expensive n/a drinks on menus that mimic alcoholic beverages. No thanks, I’ll keep opting for juice. 

Fun fact: you can totally get a hangover from Kombucha!

True story! I attended a wedding at a brewery and it wasn’t immediately evident where to get water. My choices were kombucha or sparkling lemonade, and after 5-6 of them I was feeling that familiar terribleness the next morning but none of the glory from the night

before. 

While I can’t know what the future holds, I can continue to do my inner work. I can continue to sit with my triggers. I can continue to take things day by day, or sometimes just moment to moment. I’ve been in consistent therapy for almost 5 years and the synchronicity of these events isn’t totally lost on me. I even make sure to keep my appointments when traveling and that has been super beneficial to mostly keeping me above water when my routines are inevitably disrupted. 

In my first year reflection, I astutely stated "Trauma is the real gateway drug" and Ifirmly stand by this reflection. Until we address the root causes of our triggers, our addictions and behaviors will simply shift from substance to substance or may even transfer to our yoga practice or other seemingly health behaviors. Until we understand our unhealthy attachments, we will continue to seek comfort and tidy answers outside of ourselves.

I wish I could wrap this up with some wise words of advice for anyone who is curious what their life could look like without alcohol. And while I don’t believe in there being one path for everyone, I can recommend giving it a shot. I took numerous mini-breaks over the years before making it a more permanent choice. Whether it is a few days, weeks or months it can be a useful exercise to check in with yourself and notice your patterns. 

For me, it was never about the daily choices, it was more the rowdiness that often ensued and lack of inhibitions. I mean, I was a really good time (usually) AND I prefer remembering the good times versus being told about them the next day. And there were plenty of those “other” times that required apologies and clean up. 

In August of this year, I returned to San Jose, Costa Rica and purposefully sat down at the table in which I had my last official drinks. I allowed myself to be there with her and her 2for1 Sangria with the quickly disintegrating paper straws. I experienced that night and its immaculate build up that was quickly followed by a panicked tumble down. I remember the hollowness of the next few days and my sincere desire to NEVER feel that again. 

It is true what they say…one day at a time!