Have you ever been accused of something, or told something about yourself, that you are like NAW, that’s not what happened. And then, you sit with it for a bit and you determine “ok, naw that’s not what happened AND I can see where my words/actions contributed to that impression of me.
Over the course of my life I’ve experienced this loop more than a few times. It’s super tempting to buck off any negativity and bolster myself in light and badassry.
But the real badass comes by sitting with myself and unraveling my role in this circumstance.
For me, it starts with a little niggle in my mind-stuff “wait, what if this IS true?” Spoiler: it’s NOT true, but the self-study comes with a maybe I did contribute to this impression in some way.
Intention versus Impact
A BIG thing I’m working on! Typically, I move through life with the best intentions for myself and others, and sometimes the impact of my intentions may actually be harmful.
This doesn’t make me a bad person, it just proves I’m human (probably).
This thread reminds of the Yin&Yang symbol.
While there’s a little bit of other’s “truths” that is present, our greater personal Truth “should” take up more space. AND we don’t have to ignore the little bit of other - we can work to integrate these opinions without being overtaken by them.
Easy to write, much more challenging to practice.
I still remember the first time someone told me about myself, and the extreme hurt I felt from reading these words - and this person also forwarded her hate email to my boss at the time - oof! I won’t repeat her words, and yup still seared into my brain, but the gist was that she alone sees through me and knows how fake (and awful) I really am.
Here comes the wise words of Don Miguel Ruiz and the 2nd Agreement of Toltec Wisdom - Don’t it personally. Addition: even when they make it super personal.
Whenever a human lashes out and blames others, it’s more so about them and their triggers and their need to do some sitting and self-study.
Ya know…. “For every finger you point, there’s 3 more pointing back at you.”
Your favorite spiritual bypasser may see this as justification to never work on themselves because “don’t take it personal, bruh.” It takes courage to sit with this uncomfortable -ish and ponder the eternal question “but what was my role in this circumstance?” Without taking on the other person’s -ish, what is MY role in this story - definitely not the villain, even if that’s how I’ve been painted. But how have I contributed to this current conflict either knowingly or unknowingly?
Also…”Never waste a good trigger.”
And to be completely transparent - I am not exempt from this over reacting and finger-pointing. I too blame others and find fault in our interactions as justification for me being an asshole. The practice is to reframe these moments as opportunities to do some deep inner work - woo hoo and yuck! Because if this person’s short lived intrusion on my life had that giant of an effect, then there’s something just below the surface bubbling to be heard/seen/felt/healed. And it probably has 0% to do with that person who just cut me off in traffic or even the person who spewed their feelings via email who was actively trying to get me to react/respond/rage.
I am learning that I can only control myself, my reactions, and my lane - which involves failing often. So sure, those words may sting, and some may even implant themselves in my subconscious to be repeated later at inopportune moments. But they don’t have to control my actions or cause me to close off from the beautiful world. I also don’t need to waste my energy trying to prove anything to anyone.
Instead, zoom out - like the hawks that frequent my neighborhood at the most magical times - and see the bigger picture. Sit with the questions of your role in this story, and if necessary make steps towards change. Release the rest as biodegradable glitter that coats the planet with love, sparkle and magic.
Still salty? Try out the Loving Kindness meditation! There are many versions of this, I’ve shared my favorite way to share this meta meditation below.
Start with yourself:
May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be happy, healthy, and well.
May I always return to my own magic and sparkle.
May I always lead with love.
And then to a person you love:
May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be happy, healthy, and well.
May you always return to my own magic and sparkle.
May you always lead with love.
And then a person you feel neutral towards (like the grocery store cashier or the human that delivers your mail):
May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be happy, healthy, and well.
May you always return to my own magic and sparkle.
May you always lead with love.
And now the hard one, to a person that you are currently in conflict with:
May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be happy, healthy, and well.
May you always return to my own magic and sparkle.
May you always lead with love.
Repeat as necessary until you fill your heart with more love than hate, more magic than defeat, and more sparkle than dread.