It’s been awhile since my last confession….aka blog post...aka writing my thoughts down for public consumption.
My mind/writing has been stuck in a loop…
of trying to understand wtf happened
of spewing my pain
Writing is a way of releasing, and for weeks I’ve been fearful of truly letting go. This wall of anxiety/solitude/unemployment/judgement/depression has kept me protected from the dangers of the world, and rightfully so.
As the world is slowly reopening, I’ve felt major hesitation in being able to look forward, to dream, to plan ahead.
I was fearful of this birthday, and not because it’s the last year of a significant decade, but because my last 2 birthdays brought with them major upheaval. Two years ago, I met with my friend Meredith and received an astrology reading. Paraphrasing from memory “These next few years are all about your career, and fully stepping in.” What I thought this meant was a forward trajectory: upwards, and onwards...ha!
Birthday 2019 was the catalyst for a painful business and friendship breakup
Birthday 2020 was the beginning of the pandemic
Birthday 2021….still holding my breath, a little
Although the last few years contained A LOT of loss, there has also been space for major realignment. In fact, my affirmation on repeat has been “wow! Look at all this space that is being created.”
Despite all the stress, I never once questioned how I was going to feed myself, and my rent was never a day late. Over the last year, I’ve been brought to tears by the kindness, and financial support, of students, strangers, and loved ones. Having never been one to ask for help, it’s been humbling to rely on the support of government programing, grant funding, and random surprise gifts of love. On my days of deepest doubt, I will always remember what it felt like during this time to ask, and promptly receive.
It’s been a dream of mine for quite some time to:
Write a book
Have an online community
Record monthly practices
Lead teacher trainings in beautiful locations
Wake up excited
And while many of those are happening-ish….I’ve found that I’ve created A LOT of rules around the ways in which I want those things to happen.
Those rules have led me to NOT doing the damn thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pushed back due dates just so I can get it “right”. Hint: this is titled “March blog thoughts” :)
Not knowing where 2021 is going, has caused great indecision in myself. Deciding to just go for it is a giant FU to the stories in my head. After the last two years of my life, I’m fully aware of how sticky life can get AND the importance of staying true to the dream in my heart.
So here it is...starting over, again.
With all this terrible knowledge, and still I rise.